It's Fer-real on acid, AKA friendly bacteria

Mabel: [screaming over loud music] So I know this guy, and he looks 8 percent like the guitarist.
Nancy: [confused] Wait, 8 percent?

Real Life Person List versus Mandatory Fun List

Megan: Um, the Mandatory Fun List is definitely ON something. Like growth hormones.

--------------------------

Mabel: So, she sleepwalks, and then, blah blah blah. Then she uh, yeah. So she's sleepwalking -

Megan: Can you just read it?! I don't want the cliff-notes, Mabel-style.

Laura: Yeah, this falafel place in Paris is amazing! It has these falafels with really big balls.
Flo: Big balls?
Laura: Yeah, big salty balls!
Flo: HAHAHA
Laura: Big salty balls in hot white sauce!
Flo: BWAHAHAHAHA...
Laura: Flo, we're about to graduate from college, and this is the type of jokes we're still making.
Flo: ...... BWAHAHAHAHA

Maggie: Yeah I'm rarely ever on facebook.
Mabel: I like to get in a good poke once in awhile.
Maggie: [snicker] A good poke, eh?
Mabel: Yeah, I like to get in a good Superpoke.
Maggie: I wish I got a good Superpoke. By people other than you.

Ugly: [in random-ass text message] Did you give me those fozzy bear socks?

---------------------

[phone rings]
Maggie: [picks up] Fozzy bear.

".these kinds of relationships do exist outside of this apartment"..

[elevator door opens]

megan (from the stairwell): Hubby?

strange girl: yeah!

megan [walking back to apartment]: mabel?

strange girl (at the same time): betsy?

both: oh, um...nevermind...

[insert cackling]

googlyga: i've entered you in the curry eating contest

-----------------------------------

Ugly: ok gotta go take a shower
and a poop
me: happy pooping
Ugly: thank you
me: poop before you shower
Ugly: yes, absolutely
me: just some advice
Ugly: preaching to the choir
the poop choir

Roommates

Tarnima: "I don't wanna be seein' yo naked ass in the morning..."
Megan: "Then stop taking off my pants you lech!"
Mabel: "....I said in the morning.."

B: Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Mabel: Wait, am I like on speaker phone right now?
B: No, why?
Mabel: Cuz I keep hearing myself echoing. Okay, whatever, anyway.
B: Put the crack-pipe down.

[insert horse laugh]

Ugly: "I MADE 5 RADIO STATIONS ON PANDORA INSTEAD OF STUDYING!"

It was 6, to be exact.

Minutes from the wedding

me: and me and megan made a complete fool of ourselves
Ugly: what, did u make out or something?

Karaoke

Megan's mother-in-law: You sung very well last night.
Mabel: [sniggering in the corner]
Megan's m-i-l: The first song. Not the second one. The second one, you were just having fun.

----------------------

Megan: Why don't YOU go up and sing, you potato-face!

Megan: I'm gonna marry Mabel.
Megan's dad: I don't think Mabel would like that.
Megan: No, I'm gonna marry Artie.
Megan's dad: He's almost dead.

Flo: "Mabel Lee." An outdated first name and a Chinese last name. Now there's an immigrant if I ever saw one.

Telemarketing tactics

"Buy this NOW!! Or I'll hang up on you!"

Ugly: went to walmart yesterday
me: did you buy a toothbrush
Ugly: i never bought so much stuff
no
j/k
i got one
AND toothpaste
me: that's good
what about a toenail clipper?
5:41 PM Ugly: yup
they kinda suck though
unless the first cut is kinda dull
i was struggling with the nail clipper
5:42 PM me: the first cut
like the first cut of your toenails?
Ugly: the first use on the new clippers
me: oh okay
LOL
5:43 PM me and my roommate are laughing at this conversation
Ugly: did u think i meant that i've never cut my toenails before?
LOL
the toenail conversation?
me: LOL
no, i meant the first cut with your new toenail clipper
Ugly: you guys were laughing at the blog?
me: no...just at you

Ugly: tell your hubby hi
lol
me: haha
it's wifey
she says "hiiii"
Ugly: oh, you're hubby?
me: why yes, yes i am
Ugly: hmm
do you know how gay you guys are?
5:45 PM me: LMAO
says the lesbian
we are quite homosocial
Ugly: lol
hm that's a new one
me: okay...we're gonna go cook and then have sex

Like that dream when you realize you're naked...

Megan: [wearing same exact pair of pants] Why are my pants lying there?!

The MeeTimer

M: man i'm so lazy

all i wanna do is sit around and read for pleasure

Flo: lazy bum

god

M: or just vege

Flo: ew

why are we friends?

i'm totally motivated for school

M: LIES

Flo: i could never be lazy

M: lies and abomination

plz check your meetimer

Ugly: i can send you some lunch bags
me: HAHAHA

Ugly: man i need so much stuff
every time i try to do something i realize i dont have what i need to do it
for example
i wanted to brush my teeth
12:36 PM me: okay that's like a basic tool
Ugly: lol
me: how can you not have a toothbrush
Ugly: i left mine there
Ugly: AND of course i dont have toothpaste
me: geez
what else don't you have
12:37 PM Ugly: feel like i need to cut my toenails

Yes, I Copied the Back of the Ketchup Bottle

Mabel: [reading the back of ketchup bottle] Ingredients: Organic tomato puree, organic sugar, salt, organic white vinegar, organic onion powder, organic spices. Made on equipment shared with wheat, milk, eggs, free nuts, soy and fish. Facility processes peanuts.

Megan: And toxic waste.

Razors behind the Duane Reade counter

Mabel: Why do they need to put the razors behind the counter?
Flo: Yeah, what are people gonna do, break in and start shaving other people? "I'm gonna shave you!!"
Mabel: And why do they have movies back there too? "Yeah, uh, can I get 'The Bee Movie....'"
Flo:" "The what?"
Mabel: "The Bee Movie....the one between Beowulf and um, I am Legend...."
Flo: "Beowulf?" "No, the Bee Movie..." "The WHAT?" "THE BEE MOVIE!! THE BEE MOVIE!!! Goddammit, you had to make me say it!! Are you happy now??!"
Mabel: Then he goes behind the counter and starts shaving people.