i love this class

prof. okihiro: "so, why would asians want to distance themselves from the term 'oriental?' You enter the orient, you pass the bamboo curtains, you smell incense, you--GOOONG"

and this gem:

"people are surprised you speak english, 'cause you're supposed to be a foreigner! i say, 'no speaky english.' that way i can get away with a lot of things"

Dolly the sheep

Laura: She probably looks like her mother, all sheep look the same.
Megan: ...Well that'th inthenthitive.

M: Baaaaaa.

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Student: I'm in medical school.
Mark Strand: (after long pause) Medical school...We could do a trade. I'll criticize and you take my pulse.

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Megan: Can you remember that?
M: Why, yes I can.
Megan: I'm not addressing you. ::looks around:: "Wha? Where am I?"
M: What did you say before again?

lauritae16: i have a ginormous amount of laundry on the bed that i wish to sleep in in a few min
lauritae16: so i'll have to talk to you later
lauritae16: and you'll have to come visit
lauritae16: the end

mabel:

so, at around 3am, the door slammed and then i heard, [giggle, giggle] ... [man voice]

and i was like 'she brought a man in here!' so i covered my ears, but i couldn't sleep for, like, 15 minutes

Magnolia bakery, cupcake overdose

Ralphy: I don't want that, I'm gonna take one bite and leave it. It'll be like an orphan on someone's doorstep, critically injured.

M: But what's the point of leaving the cupcake orphaned there after us biting it? No one will eat it then.

Ralphy: It's not for eating, it's for laughing. For us - two - to laugh at.

(Proceed swathing wounded Magnolia cupcake with wax paper as blanket, cupcake paper as baby bonnet, and a cardboard box as crib, leaving it on a fortunate Villager's doorstep.)

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Guy from "Mar Adentro" (in lisping spanish): And I do what I've always wanted to do with you each time...

Megan: Sexo.

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"Oh, Johnny, you make me lithp."

unfunny

prof: so, i know some asian people. to bring in for guest lectures. but, you guys tell me who you want to speak. y'know: lucy liu. i could totally get her

token nerdy white guy: oh! could you bring bruce lee?

class (tonelessly): he's dead.

t.n.w.g.: oh.

Laura: Guys, Bob Marley is already dead. Just FYI.

Megan: He had to call all the Mabels in Manhattan. There are about 4 80-something-year-old grandmother's that are really confused right now.

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Tarnima: You cleft. You penis cleft.

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About eyebrow whiskers

Tarnima: And then, one day, it just fell forward.

My mom gets out of the car as we're driving out of the garage to turn off the garage light that's accidentally been left on. She scurries around trying to find the switch but turns yet another light bulb on from a switch inside the house. My dad is raving in the car and motioning wildly with his hands. Then she scurries around more and turns on another huge camper light that's lying around randomly. So there are three lights on before she manages to figure out what's going on. Finally she scurries around more to turn them all off. It was like watching some weird light bulb riddle happening.

Rad dance moves

Ralphy: Yeah, the sexiness and attractiveness. Just shovel it out. (shovel dance motions). Buy it back at the supermarket. (shopping dance).

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M: Remember the 96th street hose?
Megan: Where? What? What hoes?!
M: The hose. Not 'hoes,' the garden hose!

M: Aw, this is so sad.
Megan: I know. She's a crack addict.
M: Yeah, how could he not know she has AIDS?
Megan: Roger, you're so stupid. Marry me.

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96th street station hose

Megan: Who's peeing?

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Ralphy: Y'all are just big ol' bitches.

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M: This is Megan, she's a misogynistic, bio-chem, people-hating major.
Ralphy: That would make a great death metal song. Although we could maybe take out the bio-chem. Or put it at the end.

Flo: Isn't that play all about AIDS?
m: AIDS is the new black.
Flo: I'm posting that on the blog!
m: no, ahhh i'm gonna get AIDS tomorrow!
Flo: From the black guy?

m: i have my dad's body, you know, his saggy flat chest.

"Just go to sleep. And never wake up."

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Flo: Not everyone can wake up at 3 in the morning, you know.
Megan: For your information, I wake up at 3 in the afternoon.

from tarnima

T: so, i just had the weirdest day...i was hit on by so many men. then, my coffee guy molested me
megan: how? did he lick your donut or something?
T: no! he came out of his cart and gave me a hug!

me: we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'
Ugly: we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'
we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'
me: very creative response

Oh what a day at the office...

From the urban dictionary:

1. Nabs: Abbreviation for "New Africa Bammer". Mid-grade marijuana.
"Wtf man.. This is the nabs.. Don't put this shwag in my face again or I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

2. nabs: inexpensive small packet of crackers with cheese or peanut butter filling

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Maggie's post on my facebook wall: "Good luck in the Special $200 Chinese Gift Contest!!!!" (courtesy of zodiac application)

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me: HAHAHAHA
i like your wall message
Ugly: :)
heheheh
11:11 AM i liked your chinese new year shrine
how festive and culturally conscience of you ;)
me: hahaha, well it's my zodiac application!
i didn't deliberately put a chinese new year shrine there
Ugly: lol
11:12 AM me: hey you know i had a dream last night
Ugly: ooh
i like interesting
me: and it was about us having a crazy argument over throwing bread
11:13 AM lol i didn't even tell you the dream yet
"i like interesting"
11:14 AM Ugly: LOL
i got distracted
i wasn't finished
Ugly: it was supposed to say i like interesting dreams
hallo?????

......

Ugly: and that's why you can never live in my basement
me: yeah, it's decided
you bread-thrower
Ugly: You'll eat whatever I throw at you, Basement-Dweller!!

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Ugly: i went to my coworker's baby shower yesterday
11:45 AM and they played this game where they passed around 7 diapers in which were smeared various unknown chocolate candy bars and you had to guess what candy bars they were.
11:46 AM me: how disturbing
Ugly: marie won that one :)
me: eww, people with children
that's so weird!!
11:47 AM Ugly: yea i felt very skeptical about sticking my nose in a diaper to smell and identify its brown contents.
brown and mushy

Mabel (in middle of conversation): nnyaaaa

everyone stops speaking...cue 27 minutes of laughter

M: This train is going to take forever.
Megan: Oh, it'll go by like water.
M: But I don't want water! I want potato chips.
Megan: Okay, well then it'll go by like potato chips. Dipped in nutella.

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Gorgonzola cheese

Megan: Open up and say "ahhhh!"
M: Mmmmmmm--!

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Megan: I like how you get a different kind of granola every time you go to Joe's.
M: Well they have like a million different kinds.
Megan: Really? Nuh uh!
M: Well not a MILLION...

M: Now I'm changing my default life plan like every three seconds!
Megan: I think you're misunderstanding the word "default."

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M: And there's a magical kingdom where they play and make things up.
Megan: It's always just fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

"All roads lead to getting shit-faced."

Laura: Just because it's warm doesn't mean you have to be crazy!

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Gay guy gesturing at Ralphy: Oh, now isn't that a cute little thing?

Maggie: Just how many men do you have in your life? Bearly, George...

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Coming out of the bathroom after watching "The Orphanage"

Maggie (searching left and right): BUUUUUBBB!!!

Marie: Don't puke on your sister.
(after waking up for 2 seconds from zombie-like state)

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Marie: My hair's on fire.

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Trish: Don't you remember what happened in the pantry?
M: We were in the pantry?

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Maggie: Esai Morales.
M: Is that La Bamba?
Maggie: No, I think that's Lou Diamond Philips.

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M: Where the hell are they?
Maggie: Some hut. In Tijuana.

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M: Why does he carry around his guitar all the time?
Maggie: It's "his future."

Marie: Honey, where's the toothpaste?
M: Oh, it's in the bathtub
Marie: It's like Maggie 2.