Monopoly with Mom

Mom: I need to take a break/go to the bathroom.
Me: I'm going upstairs to check my e-mail. I just bought 3 more hotels. Go check them out.
Mom: Did you cheat again? Did you steal my money?
Me: You have no money to steal!

----------------------------------

Mom: You're the one who keeps babbling about the $50 that I "swindled" from you.

----------------------------------

Me: I think the bank should give out a $500 economic stimulus.

Spoiling Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

Alex: Well, one of them had sex for the first time, and the condom broke!
Flo: So, what happened? Sisterhood goes to get Plan B?
Anna: Motherhood of the Traveling Pants?

John: I'll just say that you're my Chinese bride. I bought you for two weeks.

----------------------------------

My schemes to become an EU citizen

John: on skype to the wife - need to tell her we should get a divorce as soon as posible so we can get married!!!!!!!!

trash bag talk

megan: after all that's happened, you need to give me a lot of positive reinforcement...

tarnima: [pats arm sympathetically] you are such a terrible person!

_____________________________________________________


tarnima: you have such small feet

megan: whereas yours are gigantic? you yeti.

tarnima: my yeti feet grew!

The Life of a Profe

Paco: You can teach them some bad words. For example...como se llaman?
Mabel: Emilio and Almudena.
Paco: "Emilio, you stupid idiot! And Almudena, you stupid fucking bitch! For example."
Mabel: Haha, "just as an example."

--------------------------------------------

Mabel: Okay, it's an animal.
Fran (who is 11): Hmm, okay...is it...silly?
Mabel: Hahaha, um, no.
Fran: Is it....a human?

--------------------------------------------

Describe-the-word-without-saying-certain-words game

Fran: Okay, what is..the color of a banana?
Mabel: Yellow?
Fran: Yes, correct.......Ahh, no! I was not supposed to say "color" or "banana."

--------------------------------------------

Mabel: Okay, why do I have a newspaper in my bag?
Itziar (who is 6); Oh, because, this morning...your father sees soduku on the newspaper, and says to you, that you have to take it with you and do it.
Mabel: Ah, okay, and why?
Itziar: Because he says to you, you must be better at the math.

--------------------------------------------

Fran Javi: You know when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet? And when a piece of toast falls, it always lands on the buttered side? So the question is, if you have a piece of buttered toast stuck to a cat and they're both falling, which is on the bottom? It's a question I've never been able to answer.

--------------------------------------------

Mabel: Mmm American coffee...
Fran Javi: And Spanish milk.

--------------------------------------------

Mabel: Is there a short version for "Almudena?"
Almudena: Gwell, yes, it's "Almu," mbot I never liked it...gwas because of my brother, when we gwere yonger, he used to call me, "Almu, Almu, muuuuu, muuuuuuu" and he say to me it sound like a...como se llama vaca?
Mabel: (between horse laughter) Cow.
Almudena: Jes, a cow. "Almu, Almu, muuuuu muuuu."

--------------------------------------------

Almudena: Gwell, my first job...I don't remember. Ah, I gwas an English...::laughter:: No, I mean, a gym teacher. Though I hate sports. I taught this...::makes arm movements::
Mabel: Aerobics.

--------------------------------------------

Mabel: Okay, teneis que escribir en la pisarra, vale?
Marina: Profe, no es pisarra, es pi-thh-arrrrrraaa.
Mabel: Perdon, la pi-th-arrraa.

--------------------------------------------

Julietta: Well, that's a good incentive... to not spend money on food you're not going to like.

--------------------------------------------

Mabel: So when was this aqueduct built?
Javi: ....................A long time ago.

Recording: " 'So have you met him yet?'"
Mabel: So what does she say?
Almudena: "So...have you married him...or something?"

Judy: I hope he's dead.
Mabel: He's not dead, he's just French.

--------------------------------------

More email exerpts: "Lamiak is wooooooonderful. It's alway crowdy and distills basque style that I love."

Excerpt from an e-mail: "Christmas is in the corner and there is all kind of get-togethers."

------------------------------------------

Mabel: Oooh, you changed your sheets.
Javier: Yeah, well, you know. Christmas is coming.

Mabel: I mean like, who does that??!
Judy: Hahaha, he's not like an alien or something!

------------------------------------------

Judy: Ohh, his last post was November 16. That's like, a century ago!
Mabel: Hahaha!
Judy: I mean, on facebook, it's like a month ago, but in real life it's like a century ago!

mabel: hello
HELLO DAD
HELLO MOM
sagonlee921: hello bo

----------------------

mabel: cold! still cold! cold! needs to be hotter!
javier: o my god, i feel like i'm in hell.

Almudena:: (simulating a phone conversation in class) Yes, hello, may I please have extension Nic Smith please?

--------------------------------

Almudena: I was standing with my burger for 20 minutes, waiting for a seat. Then finally, I found a small table and I sat down to eat my burger. Then a very very big man came and sat down across me, I can account for it that he had 3 or 4 burgers on his tray. Then he was eating the burger and all the onions and tomatoes, all flying out of the burger...Gwell, I couldn't eat. Then, I closed my burger, and got up and went away.

--------------------------------

Flo: ugh i know. the radiator wasn't on at like 4am this morning and i was soooo cold
like the cold was seeping into my comforter
my ass was freezing. like literally. my ass.
i had to put my hand on my own ass just to warm it up

Flo: CL strikes again!
Mabel: just edited it again
Flo: LOL
you are beyond help
addicted to blogging quotes
Mabel: HAHAHHA
Flo: omg i just hit refresh
and had deja vu
Mabel: LMAO
dude this conversations gets better
and i keep having to quote
Flo: LOL
you have a problem, mablo, you have a problem
the first step is admitting to it
Mabel: HAHAHHA

Mabel: (over the sound of dishes being washed) Man, I need some digestive cookies.
Christina: What cookies? Oh, like the little choco cookies?
Mabel: No, like those fiber cookies that the Spanish people love.
Christina: What? You need five more cookies?
Mabel: No, (turning off the tap) you know those digestive fiber cookies they have here?
Christina: No.

---------------------------------------------------

Mabel: Oooh, do the tigers have names?
Javier: Yes, this one here is called "Don't mess with me or I'll kill you" and this one is "I'll kill you anyway."

---------------------------------------------------

Mabel: Can you pass me the albornoz?
Javier: You like the albornoz better than me.

---------------------------------------------------

Flo: mmhmm
haha saying mmhmm is so easy
i just have to tap two keys
i could eat a hot dog with my left hand and type mmhmmm with my right

Spanglish

Mabel: "Despues de que....Despues de que ju....GAHHHH, I can't use vosotros form AND subjunctive at the same time!!!"

Judy:::bent over laughing, spasmatically:::

Mabel: "Despues de que...ju..jugue....jugueis!

Judy::: still laughing asthmatically::: You have to..you have to use the past subjunctive! You just used the future.

Mabel: GAHhh! "Despues de que....jugarais!"

--------------------------------------------------


Patricia (in Spanish, a serious question): Do you call him a bear because he's big, or because he's hairy?


--------------------------------------------------
Gas Commercial: http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2_w2ucmuU

Aaah!!
El agua caliente se ha ido
ya no me puedo aclarar
y ahora por cuatro duros
me cambio a Gas Natural

"the semantics of poop"

vanessa: cagar sounds silly in spanish, but the english equivalent is even more disgusting...
megan: to take a dump
cintia: it's even worse than 'to crap'
megan: it's more sounding

Megan: I think it's down this way.
Mabel: Down this way...
Megan: Just around the corner.
Mabel: Yes just around the corner.
Megan: Are you going to repeat everything I say for the rest of the night?

Cintia (who is from Mexico): You know...My parents think I have a schizophrenia.

Allison: rabbit with a big butt?
haha
sounds like your rabbit is black
with the pin stripe suit
pimp
me: HAHAHAHAHA
Allison: thats seriously the first thing that came to mind when i read pinstripe suit and big butt
me: HAHAHAHA
Allison: pimping rabbit

Mabel: I told my class to look at this picture of two people and tell me what they thought the people were doing. One group said the man with the stick was a "man with no vision" and the "big man" was a tourist, and they were going to see a football game.

Judy: Hahaha, why would a blind man want to go to a football game?

Monica: Haha, I like that. "The Pilgrims came over in a little boat called the Mayflower to have dinner with the natives." Yo, we're comin' over, get the turkeys ready. We'll bring the blankets...and smallpox.

Julietta: It was just fake-out juice.

-------------------------------------

Julietta: When I'm older, I'm going to write a book called "My Mother."

-------------------------------------

(after a long search for my lost bank card)
Me: Dude, it's in the trash can!
Judy: O my gosh! ::ushering Christina out, closing the door behind her:: She's drunk, she's drunk, time to go to bed.

-------------------------------------

Christina: Once I had a friend who was using two buckets the morning after a party, one for cleaning the floor and the other to throw up in.

Me: Why was she cleaning and throwing up at the same time?

-------------------------------------

Me: How about: Have a beer, Javier! I like that one.
Javier: How about this one? Your arm is on my face.

-------------------------------------

Javier: Every morning, I wake up and I'm like....shit, I just want to retire.

Care Packages

mabel: oh okay cool
hm what else can you send
mom and dad just sent me a box of clothes
and a stuffed animal lol
Ugly: really?
like old clothes?
what stuffed animal?
how cute is that?
mabel: haha
yeah like some clothes and 2 pairs of shoes from home
mom asked me if i wanted a stuffed animal
and i laughed and was like yeah sure
Ugly: lol
did u bring bearly?
mabel: and i said i wanted the bunny with the pinstriped suit and the big butt
Ugly: awwww
i love him
mabel: and she said ohh okay "gaw di law yau to jai"
Ugly: what?
mabel: "di law yau"
big butt
"to jai" = rabbit
Ugly: ohhh
LOL
LMAO
mabel: hahaha
and THEN
she was like okay, i have to wash him first, he's so dirty
hahaha i remember i'd be in college, and i'd come home and all of my stuffed animals would be hanging on the laundry line
i think normal parents throw them out.
Ugly: LOL
OMG
because they get so dirty from you playing with them every time you come home?
ROFL
mabel: hahahhahahaha
my real playmates
Ugly: your true fwends
mabel: HAHAHH
no, she'd just think they were dirty from sitting around
and she'd find them like under her bed or something cuz she would take them to support her neck
Ugly: LOL
shit
omg, you're killing me
mabel: LOL
yeah once she found the big butt bunny under her bed and she washed him
Ugly: they be working HAAARD for mom whiles ur away
mabel: i saw him hanging on the line
hahahh
i started laughing when i saw it, and she was like why are you laughing, he was dirty
Ugly: she has a regular sweat shop going there
mabel: "i found him escaping under the bed"
yeah i would never tell them to send bearly!
what if he gets lost?
i would die
Ugly: aww
you dont want to endanger him
mabel: nope
Ugly: mom is so funny
mabel: yeah hahaa
"he three time eat cat food"
LOL!
Ugly: LOL
oh shit
mabel: hahahha
Ugly: thats so cute how she takes care of ur animals
mabel: haha yeah. she understands i'm a pack rat
i've heard of parents who go through stuff and throw things away
i'm glad we don't have those
Ugly: no because there's never anything new to replace things with
mabel: HAHAHAH
yeah true

mabel: i wanna come hoooome!
maggie: do u?
mabel: for x mas.
maggie: i know. wish u could
mabel: yeah, i actually do. however i'm afraid of deportatation and going broke
maggie: reasonable fears

---------------------------------------------

maggie: i was a bit surprised because i thought the girl was really kinda frumpy looking

Lordy

flo: i feel like you're not away at all
i just can't hang out with you
like you're trapped in some basement
with internet access

-----------------------------------------

mabel: unless something bad happens
megan: haha in which case
HE started it
mabel: HAHHA
megan: repeat after me
mabel: HAHHAHAHA
megan: lol
mabel: LMAO
oh i wish i could quote that
megan: omg omg i'm rolling on the floor
the tears are coming out
are you around tommorow?? we have to telephone
mabel: HAHAHAHA
yeah i'm around
tomorrow night
but i have to be in bed by midnight
megan: waaah
this is the dimsum date of our time
mabel: sniff sniff
when do you get outta work anyways?
megan: by the time we're both at our computers, the internet will be broken
mabel: hahahaha


--------------------------------------

mabel: kay it's long but i just sent it
flo: ok
i'mma read it
googlyga?
mabel: hahahhahaha
flo: ok we'll talk about this later

dana: in finland kids don't start school until they're seven. can you imagine that? wouldn't that just drive you nuts, they're like little cave men who can't even speak, but they're strong enough to kill you.

dana: and then i was trying to find a way to get ourselves out, so then i got this idea and i said: we want us some big black women, do you have that here?

flo: you're so outta the loop!
you can't join the "we touched RY" club!!!

mabel: oh yeah i saw those pictures
megan: yeah, how gross did i look?
mabel: hahaha
um
don't remember
megan: iiiick
rhetorical question, you trashbag
mabel: LMAO

Mildred: yeah its been awhile since ive been studious

he still hasn't said anything?

me: nope

not a word

still waiting?

Mildred: maybe

me: i closed out his box

Mildred: lol

10:09 PM damn

cut throat

me: LOL

"Física o química?"
"Química o física?"

Anatomy lessons

mabel: "you pour blood in my heart. i can't get enough"
ugly: gurgle gurgle

----------------------------

ugly: did u check to see if the teeth chips had hair or fingnails?

----------------------------

mabel: you're supposed to be my tumor twin.
ugly: no i came first, YOU'RE the tumor twin

Business as usual.

megan: eye cham vating for vork to be over
mabel: choo chi seee
chgargles hack hack
HAHA i just remember when we sang this song at our wedding.
megan: you know that was completely unintelligible, right?
mabel: HAHA
megan: nevermind, i thought you were talking about the "choo chi seee
chgargles hack hack" song
mabel: LOL
LMAO
i was talkin' about RENT
megan: bhwhahahahah
mabel: hahahha
oh man that was quite the cackle
megan: yeah yeah i just got that
mabel: dude all my roommate EVER hears is me singing and cackling in my room
megan: you're telling me. i broke a rib trying to pack the horselaugh in
mabel: LOL
megan: business as usual, then
mabel: yep bwahaha
megan: sing sing sing cackle cackle cackle

Sex Lives of Songs

flo: omgomgomg
i love when songs cum

Mildred: No one ever thinks their own shit stinks.

------------------------------

Me: So, what happened next? You accidentally tripped and your face fell on his crotch?

------------------------------

Mabel, Florence, Mildred...

Mildred: What, do you go around collecting old people names?

mabel: i paid 9 euros last time
for pieces of sausage
no side dish or anything

megan: ...that's what she said.

mabel: HAHA
interesting but not delicious

megan: *see above

mabe: HAHAHAHA

"That was supposed to be silent."

Parties

Julietta: Well, if they're not worthy, you just have to...take off your hair clip and eat grapes.

----------------------------

Learning the Australian accent:
"I like your nose. Call me on your phone, yeh?"

----------------------------

Lisa: So once we were in the States, and we were drinking Sunny D like it was going out of fashion.

----------------------------
(impersonating my cat George during the time that Koka was in heat)
Me (in British accent): I do not know what this means, but please get your buttocks out of my face...I can't see the food bowl.

"Pronunthiathun ith the thtepping thtone to thuktheth."

mabel: okay, time for bed!
hasta luego!
or as the thpaniardth tend to thay,

megan: good thnighit
*gooth

mabel: ta'lwegooooooooo

megan: hahahaha
sounds like a wolf in heat.

mabel: i like how you lisp even where there is no S
goodth thnighth

megan: ith not a lithp

mabel: ith sexthy

megan: ith the proper wayth to pronounth thingths

mabel: i mean
ith thexthy

megan: !!
thaths betterth

mabel: HAHA
lmao
"ith the proper wayth"

megan: go to bed(th)

mabel: yetthir

megan: thankths
thleep thoundly

Mabel: Hee hee hee huu huu huu ha haa haa hoo......

Clark: (after a moment of silence) Those were like all the vowels.

----------------------------------

Mabel: Damn that was quick.
Clark: ....That's what she said.

----------------------------------
(Hungry with heel-tortured feet)
Mabel: Okay, we'll just take any bus and get off wherever we see a McDonald's.

"Is that the golden arches??.........Oh, it's just the flag of Spain."

Denial

megan:
no chatting UP on my end!!
i promise~
i'm friendly!
i like it here

Class Notes

John (about Candice and her big water bag straw, in the middle of a lecture): Is that air you are getting?
Candice: Um, no, it's water.

--------------------------

Clark: People can get really intimate on the subway when they should probably leave that stuff at home.
John: Oh, yes, it has a lot to do with family.
Clark: Uh, that's not exactly what I meant.

--------------------------

The Davis pizza octuplets, the Lee grape bunchtuplets

Mabel: Our families keep growing!
Clark: And they keep getting more delicious.

--------------------------

John: Let's hear your sentence, Jeff.
Jeff: If I buy a new car, I will have car payments.

--------------------------

John: That is why they're always late in Spain, because they need time to pronounce the dipthongs.

--------------------------

Tita: If you do choose to have some extra relations with a student, just be discreet about it...."Algunos commentarios: I'm having an affair."

John: Haha, "Comment: I like that student a LOT."

mabel: i finally bought this big yellow fluffy bathrobe today
so warm and content
ugly: ooh... send pic of you in big yellow fluffy bathrobe
mabel: okay
ugly: and orange beak
mabel: HAHAHA

Flo: mabel lee: now with new and unimproved pms features!

Procrastination

mabel: under mah uumbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, EH.
god, why does facebook blow up the huge album cover
flo: lol
mabel: it's awful
flo: sing sing rant rant

----------------------------

mabel: did you just download gtalk?
tim: ya its like aim eh
mabel: yes
except mine is cooler
cuz i have icons and speech bubbles
tim: oo icons and speech bubbles
how do u do that
wait why is my name timothy i hate that name
i will have to look into whoever set that up
mabel: ask your mom

More Funny French Things

Thierry: What are you doing with pictures of cucumbers?

----------------------------------

Mabel: Oh, and you got the French newspaper.
Kendra: Yeah, he's been slowly licking all the words.
Mabel: Bwahahaha.
Kendra: Okay, I'm slightly exaggerating. He was just softly brushing his lips against the words.

-----------------------------------

Allison: that was like when i got back from china
i wanted to hug my toilet

-----------------------------------

Allison: the first place we visited had a hole in the ground, i was like are you serious?
they try to make it nice by placing tiles around the hole
so it doesn't just look like a hole

Lesson Planning Daze

Anthony: 'Zat cool?
Thierry (feverish, and obviously French): Did you just speak French?
::We all stare at him::
Did you just say, "D'accord?"

------------------------
Lunchtime Ideas

Mabel: We must go to a place with lots of food.
Emily: Well, that is an idea.
Mabel: Bwahahaha. For cheap.

Flo: "hey john, this is barack. call me back. i'm barack obama, and i approve this message."

Doughboy Cravings

Mabel: The other Megan introduces herself like "May-gan."
Megan: Nope, I'm Megan like "Beggin' Strips."

Flo: Well, I was just talking to my friend in Spain online.
Lauren (cubicle mate): Oh, is that who you were talking to? ::To Molly:: Yeah, Flo really LOLs in the office. At first I was startled, but then I realized it was just Flo laughing.

--------------------------------------------------------

Alex: I'm not a belligerent drunk, but I'm a little drunk and feeling belligerent.

--------------------------------------------------------

Alex: I'm a little confused as to why you identify with the Pillsbury Doughboy.

---------------------------------------------------------

Flo: What, you don't think a conversation between the Pillsbury Doughboy and the Gingerbread Man is funny?
Alex: I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Seinfeld.

Lesson Planning

15 The bar is getting ready to close. It's your last chance to buy drinks. What does the bartender yell?
Choice a: "Go home, you drunks!"

---------------------------

Mabel: hahaha pillsbury doughboy: "does he say microwave too?.... blech"
"i hate that song"
Mabel: ::wave wave::

The Revolutionizing of Cordially Lucifer

The Plot Thickens

Gingie Man and Light Bulb

Flo: i make noises during appropriate times

-------------------------------------------

Yo: i dreamed that i was riding a bike down the street
and you were going to give me a birthday present
the end.
Ugly: lol
did u ever get it?
Yo: probably not
Ugly: interesting
Yo: hehe
Ugly: was i going to throw it to you or something?
Yo: hahah
i don't think so
i think you were hyping it up
and there was really no present at all
Ugly: haha
Yo: i think it was excess trauma from the time i was like 10 and bugging you for a birthday present
and buggin you
and i was like, is it in that bag you're holding right now?
and finally you were like, yes, yes it is
and when i looked in there were only like dirty gym shoes.
Ugly: LOL

------------------------------------

Yo: oh i see
i was a big headed toddler
Ugly: haha
you were a big headed baby
Yo: yeah. i always wonder if i still have a big head and just don't notice it
Ugly: lol
Yo: haha
::silence::
::no comment::
Ugly: lol
Yo: hahaha
Ugly: ....
Yo: ::continued silence::
Ugly: ::getting really awkward:::
::beyond repair:::
Yo: HAHAHA
i blame it on dad.

mabel: i feel like i'm betraying cd's when i buy mp3's online
even though they are going obsolete
flo: haha really?
mabel: like i had a good collection going strong for a coupla years...now it's stopped
flo: they take up so much space
mabel: yeah
but they're so tangible....and pretty
flo: with their stupid cases
mabel: i like their inserts
flo: and they're always wrapped so tightly
mabel: especially when they have lyrics
flo: like they're about to go under water
mabel: i like our intermittent opposing dialogues

Spanish Metros, Time, and More

Clark: I see all the levels of hell every time I get out of the metro here.

-----------------------

Amy: I had this random dream about you yesterday. Remember that guy on Saturday? You were talking about him and saying that you were engaged AGAIN. And you didn't even really know his name. It was the "again" part that surprised me.

-----------------------

John: And I would assume that a German would have a shorter "as soon as" time span than a Spaniard would.


-----------------------

John: Let's say that all your friends agreed to meet at 8pm tonight. And as that stupid foreigner, you were punctual of course. And of course nobody was there when you showed up.


-----------------------

Kendra: We were talking about differences in weather between Seattle and Michigan. That if she comes to Seattle she should wear a raincoat.

Jessica: And if she comes to Michigan she should wear a snowsuit.

Flo: everyone's freaking out that obama's gonna lose

Mabel: lol

the democrats are about to pop out another head

Flo: i was cognizant enough to change into my pajamas and get into my OWN bed
MY pajamas
not Joe's

Language Teaching Class

Student Role-play: an Interview with a Foreign Language Student

Mabel: So, Tom. What do you do for a living?
Tom (who is properly British): (in a fake Spanish accent): Bullfighting. I am matador!

------------------------------------------

Tom: So, where do you come from?
Mabel: I come from Warsaw.
Tom: And how many siblings do you have?
Mabel: I haff 10 sisters and 10 brothers.
Tom: I see. I see. Well, that's quite a lot of siblings you've got there. And uh, your mother? Is she, uh, still alive? After all that...?
Mabel (struggling not to laugh, failing miserably): She died giving birth to my 10th brother.
Tom (trying to keep a straight face): Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Very sorry.
Mabel (cackling) Yes.
Tom: Where do all of your siblings live?
Mabel: They live een one big house in Warsaw.
Tom: I see. And uh, what do they all do... in this one big house?
Mabel: They farm the land and take care of the animals.
Tom: I see, so they are farmers. And do you plan on moving back there? Is that what you want to do?
Mabel: Oh, yes, I'm going to move back.
Tom: And is there something you really like to do there? What's your dream job?
Mabel: Yes, my dream job is to be cow tender. I love the cows. And the milk they produce.

Barbara: Okay, times up!

Flo: ooh you're on!
i have an email for you
i've been collecting links all morning

In a Heavy Norwegian Accent

John the Norwegian TEFL instructor after his Norwegian lesson presentation: And you have to exaggerate your gestures like I was doing...Okay, I know that the happy was so happy it was almost sick. And that the sad was like the moment before psychiatrist help.

----------------

John (about the dress code): Just nothing related to sports. And I know that because in Norway, people look like they're dressed to climb a mountain all the time.

McCain -- Get Out of My Uterus!

Mabel: and like..his anecdotes about being in the war are really moving

6:23 PM Flo: oh yeah i saw a cnn special about his time in hanoi

 Mabel: and like, you don't doubt that he has the country's well being at heart

 Flo: it was really moving

  right. exactly.

  he means well

 Mabel: yeah

  obama on the other hand is just hard to read

6:24 PM Flo: yeah he really is

6:25 PM obama just doesn't have that moving personal story

  to prove that he's for us

 Mabel: i can really see how ppl can really become attracted to the mccain/ palin ticket now

  cuz even palin has that moving personal story

 Flo: right

  i feel for them

  but i can't vote for them

6:26 PM i'd lose my uterus

Flo: every time i see pasta i remember your tuna pasta
yo: haha
omg
i'm never eating that again
Flo: "i wanna make tuna pasta salad i wanna make tuna pasta salad..... i forgot the tuna GAHHHHHH!"

Durians and More

Mabel: Yeah, I've never had durians before, they smell really bad. What does it taste like?
Allison: I dunno, it's kind of mushy but good. I can't believe you've never had it before! How can you call yourself Chinese?
Mabel: Is it like a staple?
Allison: It's like a fruit.
Mabel:.....Um, yeah I know.

----------------------------------

(15 minutes into our aimless conversation about durians)
Mabel: Yeah I dunno man, the smell.
Allison: You don't like it?
Mabel: ...It smells pretty bad.

----------------------------------
(stuck in traffic)
Mabel: Man, how the hell could anyone get into an accident at this rate?
Allison: Um, someone stops and another person keeps going.

Mabel: And we can send each other headlines like we always do.
Flo: All you ever send me is the same link over and over: Cordially Lucifer.

Mabel: Man, can you imagine if McCain died?
Flo: Omygod, if he dies, I'm going to kill him.

------------------------------------------
Flo: If you die, I'm gonna kill you!
Mabel: I guess I'll try not to die...I don't wanna face the consequences of it.

Allison: Dude, some of my residents were born in 1990. That's like when I started living.

---------------------------------

Ugly: cripes! technology stops at mom and dad's doorstep
Yo: hahah
yes it sure does
Ugly: Warning! You have reached the End of the Internet!

---------------------------------

Ugly: theres this weird lady that sits next to me
she looks, acts, and sounds like mimi from drew carey
Yo: HAHAHAAH
that's unfortunate.
Ugly: frightening
Yo: you mean a woman at work?
who you know?
Ugly: yea
but i stopped talking to her
because everytime i do she wont shut up
Yo: cuz you thought you were on the drew carey show
Ugly: i dont wanna be on drew carey
Yo: understandable

Jamiel: Somebody should definitely quote that.
Flo: There's a special blog for things like that. And it's called Cordially Lucifer.

Flo: what an exciting election!!
i'm gonna pee my pants

Barry: Your bed feels like a lumpy haystack. Like somebody stuffed it full of hay.

Time to Pok

David: do you have everything arranged?
Yo: yeah pretty much
David: if you have problems, or you need something, just let me know
i have friends in Madrid
Yo: i just need to start packing
David: i can not help with that :D

Weekend Train Routes

Mabel: Yeah, how was getting home last night?
Flo: Well, the F didn't turn into a G train this weekend.
Mabel: I love how the New York transportation system has us saying things like that.

The Mercury Lounge

Mabel: Doesn't the word 'encore' sound like it's evolving into 'wonton'?
Flo: "Wonton!! Wontooooonnn!"

Drunken Strawberries

Megan: So all the attractive people should stay and all the ugly people should go?
Mabel: Haha, yeah.
Megan: ....Um I'm sorry, but I have to sleep here.

---------------------------

Megan: I think you should try to open up your breathing passages a little more so it won't whistle so.

The German Music Upload Site

Yo: is there enough space on there
Ugly: not much space left
Yo: okay i'll download them all soon
Ugly: i think i'm learning to read german
Yo: HAHA
Ugly: Speicherplatz
means "space"
Loschen is garbage
Ugly: MediaCenter is media center

It's Been Outed.

Yo: do you like my latest superpoke
Flo: you threw a TV at me?
Yo: they made me do it.
HAHA i love your new status message on fb
now cordially lucifer is finally out in the larger public
Flo: it's come out of the closet
who made you throw a tv at me?
Yo: the undefinable "they"
like the government
Flo: ohh i see
creepy

The Bounty of Soy Products

Flo: They'll have Soy IPod...and Soy IPhone. For the health-conscious hipster. And it's even half the price of a real Ipod. You can even eat it. That's how multi-functional it is.

Friggin' Hipsters

Mabel: if you are tall and skinny and have wide shoulders please do not wear a small white t-shirt and tight jeans. it is just so obnoxious.
Flo: lol
we should make that into a t shirt
a small white t shirt

Flo: God, I don't care anymore! Obama Schmobama! Phelps Schmelps!

Band chick: "This is the most attentive sound check ever, thank you."

Best part of the night: "Check, check, check, check, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- CHECK, check - AH AH Ah ah ah AH AH AHHH."

"Shark and the tiger. Wanted to walk together. But the shark couldn't get out of the water."
Flo: What does that even mean? It's like not deep. Maybe it's about environmentalism.
Mabel: I think it's about the incompatibility of different species.

Mabel: Don't you wish people wore umbrella hats?
Barry: Jewish..people?
Mabel: Haha, no, don't - you - wish..
Barry: Ohh. I thought you said don't Jewish people wear those umbrella hats. I was like, yeah, they're called yamakas.

Flo: Why would you wanna use pumpkins??

----------------------------

Flo: Oh, Hillz, you got screwed over by another cheating man!

The Age of Anti-Tech

Flo: my mom just called me about computer problems
yo: lol
omg
"control whaaa? C?? B??"
Flo: LOL
B! B! B!
BBBBBBBBBBB!
yo: hahaha
c?
BBBB!!!
d?
Flo: hahahaha
yo: BBBBB!!!
oh, e!
GAHHHHHHH!!!
Flo: LOL

Megan: [knocking Mabel on forehead accidentally] Oh I'm sorry!! That sounded really hollow!

"Mmm I love food."

yo: watchu been up to lately
Jamiel: hmmm boring stuff
mostly just eating
gaining like 100 lbs
yo: yeah i wanna gain 100 lbs
Jamiel: hehe
yo: be HUGE
and eat like 5 meals a day
Jamiel: mmhm
i wanna take a vacation
yo: yeah i know
Jamiel: and i want a raise
so i can EAT MORE
yo: hahaa
Jamiel: 100 MORE lbs
yo: LOL

The Life of a Chipmunk

Flo: you should eat with us
but your kind of food

-------------------------

Allison: at least your face is fixed for now
i mean your teeth

Walking through large crowds in East Village:

Mabel: Blah blah blah thick.
Flo: What?
Mabel: Thick...
Flo: Wait what?
Mabel: THICK!!

In high, strangled voice: "Sorry, I couldn't laayast!"

me: fucking lesbians.

me: I have never seen better-dressed concert-goers.
brian (guy who gave me a beer on the train): yea, the feist fans are really fashionable.
me: It's like all the hipsters in Chicago are on this train.
brian: oh, look, those people down there have, like, 50 Coach bags in those shopping bags.
me: Can you imagine the headline if this train crashed? 'Entire population of hipsters in Chicago and 10,000 dollars in Coach bags wiped out in Metra crash"

Hmpfh, hipsters.

Says one hipster to her friend: I don't shop at Urban Outfitters. I can't afford anything there!
Says the hipster friend: Yea, when are they going to make an outlet for people like you?

me: that's an awful song to cover
Ugly: it was absolutely horrid

Ugly: i'm gonna give her some space
'fo she thinks i'm all up in her shiiiiit
me: hahah
you all up in huh GRRRRill.
Ugly: LOL

Mabel: No! My sandwich is NOT omniscient!

Taz: You know, that guy that paid like twice for his books? Cuz he's a freak...

Office person 1: Yeah, we're planning a very important program meeting right now.
Office person 2: You guys are all going to see Batman, aren't you?
Office person 1: Um yeah.

[13:52] Steven: do americans eat goat cheese?
[13:55] Flo: do goats eat american cheese?
[13:56] Steven: does cheese eat american goats?
[13:58] Flo: does american cheese eat goats?

Flo: You were idle all day on g-chat, so I thought you were unconscious in our apartment.

The night we both tripped, one after the other, in front of Jhumpa Lahiri's house

Famine Face

Mabel: Hahaha, you look funnier with that face.
Flo: How would you know?...The famine face looks funny on EVERYone.

Flo: Back to the salt mines......Leon, get out of the way!
Mabel: Yeah, we're trying to do our hair for the salt mines!

Peter: So my 15-year-old daughter said the funniest thing the other day. She said she and this other boy she hardly talks to are in an "open relationship."
Mabel: Hahaha. So they're seeing other people.
Peter: Yeah, they might as well, since they're not even seeing each other.

Flo: [staring at Pathmark receipt] What the heck is BBChamp? It was $4.00. Do you remember what BBChamp was?

Mabel: I don't own any professional work clothes.
Flo: Yeah, you look like a kid when you go to work.

---------------------------------------------------

"I don't understand, we're responsible and don't act like children...even though we are."

Flo: Why are your sweats on top of my work clothes?
Mabel: Those aren't mine. And that's a skirt.
Flo: I don't own skirts, so it's yours.
Mabel: Oh, yeah it is mine.
Flo: It's your party skirt.
Mabel: Yeah. [pause] I'm gonna put that in the wash...

Mabel: So, are they newly breds?
Flo: [wide-eyed, about-to-burst-into-laughter look)
Mabel: Newly grads?
[cue laughter]
Flo: Yes, they were just bred yesterday.

Miniature snowmen from the days of yore

"Why do YOU have the arms in this relationship?!"

"....and no one wore his PJ's."

Life in our Brickhouse

Flo: Why does that kitchen corner smell like homeless people?

------------------------------------

Phil: The door was unlocked, and then there was this SANDWICH on the counter...

------------------------------------

"We'll just say that we're sorry we invaded his space, but we never intended for it to happen, and we won't let it happen again...and that no one wore Joe's pj's."

------------------------------------

"Dude I hate how I have to compete with people outside my window to get heard inside my own house."

------------------------------------

Flo: People just don't understand what it's like to pay rent! And to have shopping competitions at Pathmark with your roommate to see who spends less!

me: lol i like in the email how she says, "you can email her after she gets up, after noon"
don't think she understands the function of digital communication
Flo: haha yeah
emailing her too early might wake her up
me: hahahah
exactly
Flo: man, i HATE when emails wake me up
Flo: almost as much as i hate food
me: that's awesome

Allison: wow ppl do not waste time when it comes to commenting on pics

me: hello hello!
Ugly: herro!
me: LOL
herro, herro!
Ugly: i'm ronery
so ronery!
hm, ronery.
me: aww, ronery ritto grrrrw.
Ugly: grrrw?
me: don yoo know? grrrww
how yu notta know dees?
Ugly: can i have a clue?
me: grrrrrrrrrrrrrWWWWl.
Ugly: LOL
me: eet is lika "dayaam, grwwwwl."
yu know dees?
Ugly: LOL
lmao
me: lol
yu steela loffink.
Ugly: you have a true talent in keyboard accents

Drivin' in the Hood

Mabel: [doing a semi-proper K-turn in the middle of North Philly]
Crazy Woman: You can't fuckin' turn here! That's illegal!
Mabel: Uhhh...what?
Allison: Just go.
Crazy Woman: You're just fuckin' up our community!

Mabel: So I wanna get a perm.
Allison: Ooh, yeah you should.
Mabel: But just like a wavy perm. Do they have lots of different wave sizes?
Allison: Yeah, you have to ask for the big one..................That's what SHE said!

Allison: Just got my mcat books [blah blah blah] mcat books, I can't believe how many mcat books I have.
Mabel: [several times] What the hell are meat books??
Allison: MCAT. MCAT BOOKS.

-------------------------------

Allison: Yeah, so we're going camping.
Mabel: Oh wow, awesome.
Allison: And we're gonna go catch lobsters.
Mabel: Cool, are you guys doing the real thing, like are you guys gonna be tenting?
Allison: Ummmm, I'm not sure about hunting...

--------------------------------

Mabel: So I'll be picking you up at your house.
Julietta: Wow, Mook, you're such an advanced being! I'm like...a monkey!

The Grocery Trip

Flo and Mabel are shopping at Pathmark. They grab broccoli, spinach, carrots, apples, and mushrooms and put them into the shopping cart. As they are wandering in the cheese section, they notice that the cart, which was originally parked in the aisle, has disappeared and is nowhere to be found. So after a minute of looking, they grab an empty cart that's lying around and begin Take 2 of their vegetable hunt. Flo, (again) carrying a head of broccoli, saunters de-ja-vu style towards the new shopping cart, and Mabel once again grabs a bag of spinach and places it into the basket of the cart. As they refill their cart with the former items, they park the cart on the side of the aisle to look at other items. Suddenly, Flo notices in the middle of the aisle a cart with similar items and asks, "Wait, is that our --" and upon peeking further out the aisle, they both notice yet another cart parked behind it off to the side, shopping cart #2 with the same exact items in their respective places: broccoli, spinach, carrots, apples, and mushrooms. :::Cue laughter for 10 minutes:: "That definitely was not there a minute ago. Dude, this is like the twilight zone."

Genetically-engineered Turkeys

Neil: It was great hearing all about how the aborigines used to live in Barcelona, back when the earth was first created (10 yrs ago). Remember to bring $70 USD or perhaps an apple pie when you come over for your guitar lesson.

-------------------------

Neil: So I made a whole batch of turkey burgers the other night.
Mabel: Turkey burgers? How did you make them?
Neil: Well, I've been engineering this turkey from DNA in the lab and it was growing and - it's too sad to talk about it.
Mabel: Haha.
Neil: No, actually, so I went into this grocery store.
Mabel: Oh, grocery store, hmm.
Neil: Yeah, I dunno if you've heard about those.

-------------------------

Mabel: Okay, so you pre-made these frozen turkeys.
Neil: Yes, I pre-made them before I made them. Then I post-made them by eating them.

Two Men and a Truck

Mabel: Everyone's moving to California. Mom and dad should move, too... Nah, that's too far.
Maggie: Too far for what?
Mabel: Too far from New York.
Maggie: Too far to move your shit.
Mabel: Noo, too far to see me. To have a normal parental relationship with their kid.
Maggie: Parental relationship equals moving shit. Parents are just shit-movers.
Mabel: Haha, yeah.
Maggie: Have you heard of "Two Men and a Truck?"
Mabel: No.
Maggie: They're a moving company out here in Chicago.
Mabel: Like two gay men and a truck?
Maggie: Noo, it's just two strong men and a truck.
Mabel: Two strong gay men and a truck.
Maggie: Well, you'd probably have to pay extra for them to be gay.
Mabel: As per usual...(absentmindedly) So, wait, there's actually two men in the truck?
Maggie: Yes, it's a moving company and they give you two men.
Mabel: Two men to drive and help you move stuff.
Maggie: Yes. Exactly.
Mabel: Why can't it be just "Two People and a Truck?" Why do they have to be men?
Maggie: Well, they ARE two people in a truck, but they both just happen to be men.
Mabel: Why can't they also hire butch women? They can do the job too.
Maggie: I dunno, it's a small company, it's not like a franchise. They don't have like interchangeable roles.
Mabel: Hahaha.
Maggie: Today, Strong Man #1 will be played by...Butch Woman #1. And Strong Man #2 will be played by even Butcher Woman #2.

At the MET, Temple of Dendur

Maggie (impersonating carvings): "We're going to keel you!" "Wait, here, have some apples."
Mabel: "But we can only offer them to you like this cuz we're in 2-d."
Maggie: "2-and-a-half D. We're in relief."

At Pink Berry

B: (taste-testing the green tea flavor) Hey doesn't this look like one of those troll dolls?

finals, part forever

"i'm gonna transport myself to hell so i can save my professors the trouble"

Blogs and Postcards

Ugly: where you at?
me: at home
where you at
Ugly: home
me: lol
what a conversation

--------------------------------------

me: postcards from when we were young and carefree and knew not the horrors that awaited us
Ugly: LOL
Postcards from WWWYACAKNTHTAU
12:12 AM me: LMAO
12:13 AM okay you make the blog
Ugly: ok den
i'll do that over the weekend
me: okay
Ugly: you think of the name
me: and the point of the blog is memory recovery
to defeat amnesia
Ugly: yes
to BATTLE amnesia
12:14 AM me: hahah yes
Ugly: GRRRR
me: that too

----------------------------------

Ugly: The Unamnesiac
i kinda like that
me: okay we'll name it that
12:20 AM and it's only US!
Ugly: yep
no other bloggers please

----------------------------------

Ugly: awesome!
man, i never expected it to reach such a wide audience
Ugly: of 2 subscribers

June: But I don't wanna go to Morton Williams...I know it's right around the corner but I just don't feel like it.

Mabel: Come on, June, strength in numbers.

June:....Yeah, like in the kitchen, where we brought each other down. For like three hours.

-----------------------------

"You didn't puke tonight, you have no excuse."

----------------------------

Flo: ok i'm leaving work and finishing my spanish homework
and then you call me when you get home
and then we run down like happy little elves to the heights

-----------------------------

Megan: "Bitch goes to the Heights and gets drunk. Goes back to the Heights and gets more drunk."

-----------------------------

Mabel: That guy over there singing is from Arlene's. Dude, these people like live for Monday night karaoke.

Flo: Yeah. He's bringing Arlene's to you.

Thesis revisions

"Stepping from Amy Winehouse's beehive
into afternoon."

"Stepping from a dungeony cellar
into afternoon."

Maggie's recap:

We ate ice creams and watched Bub and (mostly) Nicole flirt with a couple of Albanian guys working at some take out window. Then we continued walking, around the block, all the way back to the same take out window, and repeated the scene, much to the Albanians' (and our) amusement.

It's Fer-real on acid, AKA friendly bacteria

Mabel: [screaming over loud music] So I know this guy, and he looks 8 percent like the guitarist.
Nancy: [confused] Wait, 8 percent?

Real Life Person List versus Mandatory Fun List

Megan: Um, the Mandatory Fun List is definitely ON something. Like growth hormones.

--------------------------

Mabel: So, she sleepwalks, and then, blah blah blah. Then she uh, yeah. So she's sleepwalking -

Megan: Can you just read it?! I don't want the cliff-notes, Mabel-style.

Laura: Yeah, this falafel place in Paris is amazing! It has these falafels with really big balls.
Flo: Big balls?
Laura: Yeah, big salty balls!
Flo: HAHAHA
Laura: Big salty balls in hot white sauce!
Flo: BWAHAHAHAHA...
Laura: Flo, we're about to graduate from college, and this is the type of jokes we're still making.
Flo: ...... BWAHAHAHAHA

Maggie: Yeah I'm rarely ever on facebook.
Mabel: I like to get in a good poke once in awhile.
Maggie: [snicker] A good poke, eh?
Mabel: Yeah, I like to get in a good Superpoke.
Maggie: I wish I got a good Superpoke. By people other than you.

Ugly: [in random-ass text message] Did you give me those fozzy bear socks?

---------------------

[phone rings]
Maggie: [picks up] Fozzy bear.

".these kinds of relationships do exist outside of this apartment"..

[elevator door opens]

megan (from the stairwell): Hubby?

strange girl: yeah!

megan [walking back to apartment]: mabel?

strange girl (at the same time): betsy?

both: oh, um...nevermind...

[insert cackling]

googlyga: i've entered you in the curry eating contest

-----------------------------------

Ugly: ok gotta go take a shower
and a poop
me: happy pooping
Ugly: thank you
me: poop before you shower
Ugly: yes, absolutely
me: just some advice
Ugly: preaching to the choir
the poop choir

Roommates

Tarnima: "I don't wanna be seein' yo naked ass in the morning..."
Megan: "Then stop taking off my pants you lech!"
Mabel: "....I said in the morning.."

B: Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Mabel: Wait, am I like on speaker phone right now?
B: No, why?
Mabel: Cuz I keep hearing myself echoing. Okay, whatever, anyway.
B: Put the crack-pipe down.

[insert horse laugh]

Ugly: "I MADE 5 RADIO STATIONS ON PANDORA INSTEAD OF STUDYING!"

It was 6, to be exact.

Minutes from the wedding

me: and me and megan made a complete fool of ourselves
Ugly: what, did u make out or something?

Karaoke

Megan's mother-in-law: You sung very well last night.
Mabel: [sniggering in the corner]
Megan's m-i-l: The first song. Not the second one. The second one, you were just having fun.

----------------------

Megan: Why don't YOU go up and sing, you potato-face!

Megan: I'm gonna marry Mabel.
Megan's dad: I don't think Mabel would like that.
Megan: No, I'm gonna marry Artie.
Megan's dad: He's almost dead.

Flo: "Mabel Lee." An outdated first name and a Chinese last name. Now there's an immigrant if I ever saw one.

Telemarketing tactics

"Buy this NOW!! Or I'll hang up on you!"

Ugly: went to walmart yesterday
me: did you buy a toothbrush
Ugly: i never bought so much stuff
no
j/k
i got one
AND toothpaste
me: that's good
what about a toenail clipper?
5:41 PM Ugly: yup
they kinda suck though
unless the first cut is kinda dull
i was struggling with the nail clipper
5:42 PM me: the first cut
like the first cut of your toenails?
Ugly: the first use on the new clippers
me: oh okay
LOL
5:43 PM me and my roommate are laughing at this conversation
Ugly: did u think i meant that i've never cut my toenails before?
LOL
the toenail conversation?
me: LOL
no, i meant the first cut with your new toenail clipper
Ugly: you guys were laughing at the blog?
me: no...just at you

Ugly: tell your hubby hi
lol
me: haha
it's wifey
she says "hiiii"
Ugly: oh, you're hubby?
me: why yes, yes i am
Ugly: hmm
do you know how gay you guys are?
5:45 PM me: LMAO
says the lesbian
we are quite homosocial
Ugly: lol
hm that's a new one
me: okay...we're gonna go cook and then have sex

Like that dream when you realize you're naked...

Megan: [wearing same exact pair of pants] Why are my pants lying there?!

The MeeTimer

M: man i'm so lazy

all i wanna do is sit around and read for pleasure

Flo: lazy bum

god

M: or just vege

Flo: ew

why are we friends?

i'm totally motivated for school

M: LIES

Flo: i could never be lazy

M: lies and abomination

plz check your meetimer

Ugly: i can send you some lunch bags
me: HAHAHA

Ugly: man i need so much stuff
every time i try to do something i realize i dont have what i need to do it
for example
i wanted to brush my teeth
12:36 PM me: okay that's like a basic tool
Ugly: lol
me: how can you not have a toothbrush
Ugly: i left mine there
Ugly: AND of course i dont have toothpaste
me: geez
what else don't you have
12:37 PM Ugly: feel like i need to cut my toenails

Yes, I Copied the Back of the Ketchup Bottle

Mabel: [reading the back of ketchup bottle] Ingredients: Organic tomato puree, organic sugar, salt, organic white vinegar, organic onion powder, organic spices. Made on equipment shared with wheat, milk, eggs, free nuts, soy and fish. Facility processes peanuts.

Megan: And toxic waste.

Razors behind the Duane Reade counter

Mabel: Why do they need to put the razors behind the counter?
Flo: Yeah, what are people gonna do, break in and start shaving other people? "I'm gonna shave you!!"
Mabel: And why do they have movies back there too? "Yeah, uh, can I get 'The Bee Movie....'"
Flo:" "The what?"
Mabel: "The Bee Movie....the one between Beowulf and um, I am Legend...."
Flo: "Beowulf?" "No, the Bee Movie..." "The WHAT?" "THE BEE MOVIE!! THE BEE MOVIE!!! Goddammit, you had to make me say it!! Are you happy now??!"
Mabel: Then he goes behind the counter and starts shaving people.

Flo: i just want people to do their fucking jobs
and stop being lazy and stupid
3:19 PM america didn't become a superpower by relying on these dumbasses
someone somewhere must have a brain
3:20 PM me: lol
it's probably the brainy people enslaving the stupid and incompetent
that's how we came to be a superpower
Flo: good. i intend to be in the former group
i would like to enslave, plz
me: hahah
sounds like a dinner order
3:21 PM Flo: haha
me: would you like a happy ending massage with that
Flo: YES PLEASE

"Powdered donut holes. Powdered donut. Powdered donut holes."

--------------------

Megan: [in girly Russian accent] But I am from Keeerrch.
Mabel: You be on crack.
Megan: ...No, Keeerrch.

Mabel: [attempting Indian accent] Vat are you doing veeth these emails?
Megan: Um -
Mabel: I really need to perfect the Indian accent.
Megan: Perfect? Try grasping at the coat tails -
Mabel: [horse laugh]
Megan: The threads of the coat tails. Which have been snipped off -
Mabel: [continue horse laugh]
Megan: And are lying in a trash can -
Mabel: Okay, I get the point.

My mom to the home-care lady: He three time eat cat food.

Mabel: [using the hand chart for Handeze Gloves] Yeah, I think I'm an x-small.
Allison: Was that even necessary?

-------

record players

Allison: So where are you guys meeting?
Mabel: I'm gonna tell him to stand outside his house.

[2 seconds pause. Liz and Allison burst out laughing]

B: [looking at shoes] Dude, you have such small feet.
M: I dunno. They're like normal.
B: For an elf.

me: if i at least get a zygote of this paper out i'll come over
like in an hour
what are you up to tonight
flo: ZYGOTE?
SICK
me: LOL
flo: thesis
even sicker
me: or embryo
dunno which comes first
flo: SICK
i dont like embryonic references to babies
me: it's embryonic references to my paper
not to babies
flo: massatoosetts

M: You've no idea. I've been waiting so long to eat this donut.
Megan: ......I don't know what to tell ya.

----------------------

M: [looking in cupboard] Man, I just need a fuckin' lunch bag.

Megan: Oh, you know what. When the facilities guy came that time to change the stove, I think he tore up your lunch bag.

M: [horse laugh] Really, for what?

Megan: To write something, there was like a piece of brown paper with words on it.

M: [continue horse laugh] I'm sure there's more than one lunch bag in this entire apartment.

Megan: Well you've been carrying around that ratty old thing for awhile.

M: Oh here it is! [takes out ratty old lunch bag from cupboard]

Megan: Oh god.

omg

the other day i was looking at the job sites for paralegal positions

there was one that paid at $52k

not including OT

how crazy is that??

2:03 PM i've never seen it that high before

M: wow

what is it like sell your soul AND prostitute yourself

Flo: HAHAHA

2:04 PM who knows

it's a small firm too

maybe it's a typo

M: haha

oh, sorry, there's been a case of dyslexia

we really mean 25,000

shopping for shoes

megan [looks for closed-toed black pumps]
mabel: ooh, how about these? oh, nevermind. they're open-toed

five seconds later
mabel: [picks up the same shoe] ooh, how about these? oh, wait.

yet another five seconds later
mabel: [picks up the EXACT shoe] hey, what about these? oh wait...[insert horse-laugh]

Which bitch?

Flo: God, I fucking hate that bitch.
M: .........
Flo: ....Obama.

On Maxine Hong-Kingston's Woman Warrior

M: I didn't know that book was non-fiction. Like I always thought it was a novel.

Megan: Well...she includes the story of Fa Mu-lan in her autobiography.

old wall posts

Megan: guess who's back?? single in sulz tower, yeah baby! 'course, it costs an arm and a leg...but i told them they could take your firstborn. have fun @ home this weekend...let's do something thursday! call meee

M: awesome!!! tomorrow night then. u'll be around? and my firstborn is yours as much as he is mine, so knock yourself out with the payment.

Mabel: Why are we so stupid?
Megan: We? Speak for yourself. Then again, I AM pounding your back with a cellphone.

On Steve Tyler fathering Liv Tyler

Megan: How does THAT breed THAT? ......Was that mean? I'm gonna wake up a hairy boar tomorrow morning.

Trying to convince Megan of the value in reading "I am Dracula"

"An account of how the fifteenth-century Vlad the Impaler became the legendary Count Dracula covers his struggle with Satan, five centuries of terrorizing evil, and his present-day activities. Original."

me: yeah i know
i always superpoke you
and get the cold shoulder
Ugly: hah
me: =(
what kind of facebook friend are you
Ugly: i felt the greasy goblin on my back

---------------------

Ugly: did his grandparents work on the railroads
Ugly: all their live long days

---------------------------

Ugly: i'd be living on a grate in times square
Ugly: one with hot sewer steam coming from it
oooooh, nice

"This may be the last ride of his life" - MTA advertisement

Nancy: You'd think he'd realize at some point that the tunnels won't allow for his ass to hang out like that.

-------

Nancy: I just wanna think about short-term priorities. Things that are easy to get done. Like reading assignments.

Mabel: Yeah, I have to get back to writing a poem with no e's.

Nancy: Well, that IS a problem. That's a major problem.

Flo: You were making all these snarky comments tonight.
Mabel: I wasn't making snarky comments.
Flo: You called a guy argyle.

::proceed looking up argyle in the dictionary::

viva la france

megan: so, there was a revolution that began in paris in the late 1800s, and then there was another one a little later... man, france-- it's always having revolts

mabel: it's just a revolting country

The Ghetto Stapler Epic

Laura: How can I write a thesis if I can't even staple it?
------------------
Laura: SHAMBLES!!

mabel: hey! that's not right! i only stutter like, once a week. okay, maybe once in three days. and when i'm drunk.
megan: so, every day.

megan: i'm a...i'ma... [stutter]. sorry, i'm having trouble speaking

june: that's ok. that happened to me the other day, with mabel.

megan: heh, this sort of thing usually does happen around her--

june: --because it's contagious.

4:30 PM Flo: fuck man, i feel like she's gonna bite my face off

the next time i see her

i will walk out of that room with no face

4:31 PM THEN how will i get a job?

nobody wants to hire a faceless person

4:32 PM Laura: nooo

shes not that bad

anyways

4:33 PM you can always emphasize diversity

like i bet most firms dont have any faceless people!

Flo: You should come over and play nintendo. I can be Mario and you be Luigi.
M: I wanna be Yoshi.
Flo: Okay, he's not one of the characters you can use in this game. You can only RIDE him, you can't BE him.

Megan: I'm like a sea slug.
M: [salt shaking action]
Megan: [2 seconds of bored face] SHRIVEL!

M: Where the hell did Flo go? Oh, there you are. You're like my little sidekick.
Flo: Yeah, I am like your sidekick.
M: I said sidekick, not psychic.
Flo: I said sidekick. I just can't pronounce my d's cuz I'm asian.

--------------------

Flo: ok talk to you tomorrow
don't drop the chicken on the floor this time
me: you know very funnily enough
i was just reading that part of the blog as you said that
Flo: we are so psychic
not sidekick
psychic

--------------------

Flo: i like how those are two really random words and yet we were able to use them properly both times in one day
in humorous ways

me: i say "shit" a lot in my moments of humor
it definitely adds to the funniness
Flo: i agree
getting shit outta your face
aborting shit
all good shit

food for thought

m: mmmm.. food is good. i love food.
flo: as opposed to what, hating food?
m: OMG I HATE FOOD! get this shit outta my face!

--------------------------------------
*flo and m are eating dinner. chicken falls on to the floor because m is retarded and can't fork it.*
*m picks the piece of chicken up.*
m: shit, should i throw it out or wash it off?
flo: *laughing hysterically, trying to avoid spewing food everywhere.*
*intermittent laughing for 30 seconds*
m: should i wash it off or not? this is a GOOD piece of chicken, man!
flo: my mom would've just washed it off and ate it without hesitation.
m: yeah, my mom too.
flo: yeah, washing food off is a very asian thing. there wouldn't be 30 seconds of hesitation. Americans would just throw it out. dude, that moment of hesitation was your american side coming out.

-------------------------

Megan: Where did the salami go??
June: It just flew off your plate.
M: It flew into June's mouth.

quotable quotes

m: i think that's the whole point of the... blog.

-----------------------------------------------------

m: I don't understand why you wouldn't just abort that shit.

-----------------------------------------------------
m: Gong xi fat chai!! or however you say that shit in mandarin.

-------------------------------------------------------

Flo: holy crap your friend elizabeth egg foo young is taking over your wall

--------------------------------------------------------

Flo: your primaries are coming up.
can i persuade you to vote for hillary?

i dont usually do this, but this race is tighter than a virgin's ass

---------------------------------------------------------

M: yes, all strains of it

genital

Flo: oh god

Flo: i'm gonna vomit

M: lmao

HAHAHA

11:07 PM Flo: sick

why are you laughing?

you are disease-infested

yellow asian

M: cuz ur funny

Flo: the village bicycle

everyone's had a ride

June: He's from like Hawaii. I don't want an island man in the White House.

-------

Megan: I'm soooo sorry!! [strangle neck, strangle neck]

it's time for miso soup

at 3:15am

Megan: It's time for some miso soup.
M: Ooh, miso soup, what a great idea.
Megan: Nancy want some miso soup?
Nancy: I'm goin' straight to bed.
Megan: "DIE, bitches!!"

Vampires

M: It would fulfill all the desires I ever had for the rest of my life.
Julietta: Well, those would be the last desires you'd ever have for the rest of your life. A one night stand to die for.

-------

Megan: I can vomit on key.

-------

Speaking of flamers:

Julietta: He left a message saying, "Oh dahling, we must catch up and talk about how WOOONDERFUL you are!" You mean, we'll catch up and talk about how wonderful YOU are.

Flo: All right, I'm gonna go now. [walks towards the door, whirls around] Hey, do you guys wanna go get some beers? Or vodka? Come on!
M: No, Flo, it's 3:30 in the morning.
Flo: Awww, come on. [dives into the chip bag]

:::Repeat 5 times throughout the night, each time as if it were a new thought:::

-------

M: i hate this song
you should eat eggs
mmm protein
Flo: this is myh :LSAT fight song
dont diss it
i hate kanye
but wheeertter
protein?
what
plz epxlian
M: oh gosh
1:17 AM well
eggs has protein
Flo: egss HAVE protein
english major
FOB
M: ok.."wheeertter"
please explain
or "epxlian"

M: I like arms, you have to have nice arms.
Megan: You've got pretty high standards. So if you're an amputee with no arms, don't come a-knockin', cuz you can't even!

i love this class

prof. okihiro: "so, why would asians want to distance themselves from the term 'oriental?' You enter the orient, you pass the bamboo curtains, you smell incense, you--GOOONG"

and this gem:

"people are surprised you speak english, 'cause you're supposed to be a foreigner! i say, 'no speaky english.' that way i can get away with a lot of things"

Dolly the sheep

Laura: She probably looks like her mother, all sheep look the same.
Megan: ...Well that'th inthenthitive.

M: Baaaaaa.

-------

Student: I'm in medical school.
Mark Strand: (after long pause) Medical school...We could do a trade. I'll criticize and you take my pulse.

-------

Megan: Can you remember that?
M: Why, yes I can.
Megan: I'm not addressing you. ::looks around:: "Wha? Where am I?"
M: What did you say before again?

lauritae16: i have a ginormous amount of laundry on the bed that i wish to sleep in in a few min
lauritae16: so i'll have to talk to you later
lauritae16: and you'll have to come visit
lauritae16: the end

mabel:

so, at around 3am, the door slammed and then i heard, [giggle, giggle] ... [man voice]

and i was like 'she brought a man in here!' so i covered my ears, but i couldn't sleep for, like, 15 minutes

Magnolia bakery, cupcake overdose

Ralphy: I don't want that, I'm gonna take one bite and leave it. It'll be like an orphan on someone's doorstep, critically injured.

M: But what's the point of leaving the cupcake orphaned there after us biting it? No one will eat it then.

Ralphy: It's not for eating, it's for laughing. For us - two - to laugh at.

(Proceed swathing wounded Magnolia cupcake with wax paper as blanket, cupcake paper as baby bonnet, and a cardboard box as crib, leaving it on a fortunate Villager's doorstep.)

-------

Guy from "Mar Adentro" (in lisping spanish): And I do what I've always wanted to do with you each time...

Megan: Sexo.

-------

"Oh, Johnny, you make me lithp."

unfunny

prof: so, i know some asian people. to bring in for guest lectures. but, you guys tell me who you want to speak. y'know: lucy liu. i could totally get her

token nerdy white guy: oh! could you bring bruce lee?

class (tonelessly): he's dead.

t.n.w.g.: oh.

Laura: Guys, Bob Marley is already dead. Just FYI.

Megan: He had to call all the Mabels in Manhattan. There are about 4 80-something-year-old grandmother's that are really confused right now.

-------

Tarnima: You cleft. You penis cleft.

-------

About eyebrow whiskers

Tarnima: And then, one day, it just fell forward.

My mom gets out of the car as we're driving out of the garage to turn off the garage light that's accidentally been left on. She scurries around trying to find the switch but turns yet another light bulb on from a switch inside the house. My dad is raving in the car and motioning wildly with his hands. Then she scurries around more and turns on another huge camper light that's lying around randomly. So there are three lights on before she manages to figure out what's going on. Finally she scurries around more to turn them all off. It was like watching some weird light bulb riddle happening.

Rad dance moves

Ralphy: Yeah, the sexiness and attractiveness. Just shovel it out. (shovel dance motions). Buy it back at the supermarket. (shopping dance).

--------

M: Remember the 96th street hose?
Megan: Where? What? What hoes?!
M: The hose. Not 'hoes,' the garden hose!

M: Aw, this is so sad.
Megan: I know. She's a crack addict.
M: Yeah, how could he not know she has AIDS?
Megan: Roger, you're so stupid. Marry me.

-------

96th street station hose

Megan: Who's peeing?

-------

Ralphy: Y'all are just big ol' bitches.

-------

M: This is Megan, she's a misogynistic, bio-chem, people-hating major.
Ralphy: That would make a great death metal song. Although we could maybe take out the bio-chem. Or put it at the end.

Flo: Isn't that play all about AIDS?
m: AIDS is the new black.
Flo: I'm posting that on the blog!
m: no, ahhh i'm gonna get AIDS tomorrow!
Flo: From the black guy?

m: i have my dad's body, you know, his saggy flat chest.

"Just go to sleep. And never wake up."

--------

Flo: Not everyone can wake up at 3 in the morning, you know.
Megan: For your information, I wake up at 3 in the afternoon.

from tarnima

T: so, i just had the weirdest day...i was hit on by so many men. then, my coffee guy molested me
megan: how? did he lick your donut or something?
T: no! he came out of his cart and gave me a hug!

me: we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'
Ugly: we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'
we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'we jammin' we jammin' we jammin'
me: very creative response

Oh what a day at the office...

From the urban dictionary:

1. Nabs: Abbreviation for "New Africa Bammer". Mid-grade marijuana.
"Wtf man.. This is the nabs.. Don't put this shwag in my face again or I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

2. nabs: inexpensive small packet of crackers with cheese or peanut butter filling

-------

Maggie's post on my facebook wall: "Good luck in the Special $200 Chinese Gift Contest!!!!" (courtesy of zodiac application)

-------

me: HAHAHAHA
i like your wall message
Ugly: :)
heheheh
11:11 AM i liked your chinese new year shrine
how festive and culturally conscience of you ;)
me: hahaha, well it's my zodiac application!
i didn't deliberately put a chinese new year shrine there
Ugly: lol
11:12 AM me: hey you know i had a dream last night
Ugly: ooh
i like interesting
me: and it was about us having a crazy argument over throwing bread
11:13 AM lol i didn't even tell you the dream yet
"i like interesting"
11:14 AM Ugly: LOL
i got distracted
i wasn't finished
Ugly: it was supposed to say i like interesting dreams
hallo?????

......

Ugly: and that's why you can never live in my basement
me: yeah, it's decided
you bread-thrower
Ugly: You'll eat whatever I throw at you, Basement-Dweller!!

-------

Ugly: i went to my coworker's baby shower yesterday
11:45 AM and they played this game where they passed around 7 diapers in which were smeared various unknown chocolate candy bars and you had to guess what candy bars they were.
11:46 AM me: how disturbing
Ugly: marie won that one :)
me: eww, people with children
that's so weird!!
11:47 AM Ugly: yea i felt very skeptical about sticking my nose in a diaper to smell and identify its brown contents.
brown and mushy

Mabel (in middle of conversation): nnyaaaa

everyone stops speaking...cue 27 minutes of laughter

M: This train is going to take forever.
Megan: Oh, it'll go by like water.
M: But I don't want water! I want potato chips.
Megan: Okay, well then it'll go by like potato chips. Dipped in nutella.

-------

Gorgonzola cheese

Megan: Open up and say "ahhhh!"
M: Mmmmmmm--!

-------

Megan: I like how you get a different kind of granola every time you go to Joe's.
M: Well they have like a million different kinds.
Megan: Really? Nuh uh!
M: Well not a MILLION...

M: Now I'm changing my default life plan like every three seconds!
Megan: I think you're misunderstanding the word "default."

-------

M: And there's a magical kingdom where they play and make things up.
Megan: It's always just fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

"All roads lead to getting shit-faced."

Laura: Just because it's warm doesn't mean you have to be crazy!

-------

Gay guy gesturing at Ralphy: Oh, now isn't that a cute little thing?

Maggie: Just how many men do you have in your life? Bearly, George...

-------

Coming out of the bathroom after watching "The Orphanage"

Maggie (searching left and right): BUUUUUBBB!!!

Marie: Don't puke on your sister.
(after waking up for 2 seconds from zombie-like state)

-------

Marie: My hair's on fire.

-------

Trish: Don't you remember what happened in the pantry?
M: We were in the pantry?

-------

Maggie: Esai Morales.
M: Is that La Bamba?
Maggie: No, I think that's Lou Diamond Philips.

-------

M: Where the hell are they?
Maggie: Some hut. In Tijuana.

-------

M: Why does he carry around his guitar all the time?
Maggie: It's "his future."

Marie: Honey, where's the toothpaste?
M: Oh, it's in the bathtub
Marie: It's like Maggie 2.