love's labour lost

me:

i mean, really, though.
if you wanted a dirty mistress, why would you choose a long-distance one?

racist chicken wings

me: i had wings last night. i went to this trendy little korean place called Crisp. and they had the best wings! they had this flavor called Korean sassy... so good!!!

mo: (misheard) Korean assassin? you might as well go to Harold's (a chicken joint in the hood) and order the basketball special.

"How'm I gonna teach this to a working prostitute??"

googlyga: it's a latex sheath that goes inside the vajayjay?
me: what happens to the sperm
googlyga: it's inside the little latex tube
you pull it out....and then toss it away
me: oh it's a tube shape
googlyga: si!
like a...trashbag lining a bin

Flugtag and Altoids

Bub: Yeah, and me and Kevin got married last night.
Nicole: Ohh, who married you?
Bub: The sperm sculpture.

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At flugtag

Random black guy: Text team 12 to 76855! Team 12! Come on, folks! Git your vote in!
David: My phone doesn't work here.
Random black guy: You have one expensive camera there, and you can't pay your phone bill? You need to pay your phone bill!

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Youri: (offers Allison an Altoid)
Allison: What flavor is this?
Youri: It's bangin!
Allison: Oh, bangin flavor.

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Youri: (offering David an Altoid)
David: What is this? I do not know what this is.
Youri: A mint!


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Youri: What is that supposed to be?
Allison: A cheesesteak.
Youri: A cheesesteak, really? It has a mouth.
Allison: It's hungry.

S&M etc

Bub: Yeah, that's strange. Why is facebook not like...
Allison: Polygamous.

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Shane: Dude, it's not funny. She would've like stabbed me and been like "Tee hee, I thought it was kinky," and I'd be bleeding to death and be like "Dude call an ambulance!"