omg

the other day i was looking at the job sites for paralegal positions

there was one that paid at $52k

not including OT

how crazy is that??

2:03 PM i've never seen it that high before

M: wow

what is it like sell your soul AND prostitute yourself

Flo: HAHAHA

2:04 PM who knows

it's a small firm too

maybe it's a typo

M: haha

oh, sorry, there's been a case of dyslexia

we really mean 25,000

shopping for shoes

megan [looks for closed-toed black pumps]
mabel: ooh, how about these? oh, nevermind. they're open-toed

five seconds later
mabel: [picks up the same shoe] ooh, how about these? oh, wait.

yet another five seconds later
mabel: [picks up the EXACT shoe] hey, what about these? oh wait...[insert horse-laugh]

Which bitch?

Flo: God, I fucking hate that bitch.
M: .........
Flo: ....Obama.

On Maxine Hong-Kingston's Woman Warrior

M: I didn't know that book was non-fiction. Like I always thought it was a novel.

Megan: Well...she includes the story of Fa Mu-lan in her autobiography.

old wall posts

Megan: guess who's back?? single in sulz tower, yeah baby! 'course, it costs an arm and a leg...but i told them they could take your firstborn. have fun @ home this weekend...let's do something thursday! call meee

M: awesome!!! tomorrow night then. u'll be around? and my firstborn is yours as much as he is mine, so knock yourself out with the payment.

Mabel: Why are we so stupid?
Megan: We? Speak for yourself. Then again, I AM pounding your back with a cellphone.

On Steve Tyler fathering Liv Tyler

Megan: How does THAT breed THAT? ......Was that mean? I'm gonna wake up a hairy boar tomorrow morning.

Trying to convince Megan of the value in reading "I am Dracula"

"An account of how the fifteenth-century Vlad the Impaler became the legendary Count Dracula covers his struggle with Satan, five centuries of terrorizing evil, and his present-day activities. Original."

me: yeah i know
i always superpoke you
and get the cold shoulder
Ugly: hah
me: =(
what kind of facebook friend are you
Ugly: i felt the greasy goblin on my back

---------------------

Ugly: did his grandparents work on the railroads
Ugly: all their live long days

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Ugly: i'd be living on a grate in times square
Ugly: one with hot sewer steam coming from it
oooooh, nice

"This may be the last ride of his life" - MTA advertisement

Nancy: You'd think he'd realize at some point that the tunnels won't allow for his ass to hang out like that.

-------

Nancy: I just wanna think about short-term priorities. Things that are easy to get done. Like reading assignments.

Mabel: Yeah, I have to get back to writing a poem with no e's.

Nancy: Well, that IS a problem. That's a major problem.

Flo: You were making all these snarky comments tonight.
Mabel: I wasn't making snarky comments.
Flo: You called a guy argyle.

::proceed looking up argyle in the dictionary::

viva la france

megan: so, there was a revolution that began in paris in the late 1800s, and then there was another one a little later... man, france-- it's always having revolts

mabel: it's just a revolting country

The Ghetto Stapler Epic

Laura: How can I write a thesis if I can't even staple it?
------------------
Laura: SHAMBLES!!

mabel: hey! that's not right! i only stutter like, once a week. okay, maybe once in three days. and when i'm drunk.
megan: so, every day.

megan: i'm a...i'ma... [stutter]. sorry, i'm having trouble speaking

june: that's ok. that happened to me the other day, with mabel.

megan: heh, this sort of thing usually does happen around her--

june: --because it's contagious.

4:30 PM Flo: fuck man, i feel like she's gonna bite my face off

the next time i see her

i will walk out of that room with no face

4:31 PM THEN how will i get a job?

nobody wants to hire a faceless person

4:32 PM Laura: nooo

shes not that bad

anyways

4:33 PM you can always emphasize diversity

like i bet most firms dont have any faceless people!

Flo: You should come over and play nintendo. I can be Mario and you be Luigi.
M: I wanna be Yoshi.
Flo: Okay, he's not one of the characters you can use in this game. You can only RIDE him, you can't BE him.

Megan: I'm like a sea slug.
M: [salt shaking action]
Megan: [2 seconds of bored face] SHRIVEL!

M: Where the hell did Flo go? Oh, there you are. You're like my little sidekick.
Flo: Yeah, I am like your sidekick.
M: I said sidekick, not psychic.
Flo: I said sidekick. I just can't pronounce my d's cuz I'm asian.

--------------------

Flo: ok talk to you tomorrow
don't drop the chicken on the floor this time
me: you know very funnily enough
i was just reading that part of the blog as you said that
Flo: we are so psychic
not sidekick
psychic

--------------------

Flo: i like how those are two really random words and yet we were able to use them properly both times in one day
in humorous ways

me: i say "shit" a lot in my moments of humor
it definitely adds to the funniness
Flo: i agree
getting shit outta your face
aborting shit
all good shit

food for thought

m: mmmm.. food is good. i love food.
flo: as opposed to what, hating food?
m: OMG I HATE FOOD! get this shit outta my face!

--------------------------------------
*flo and m are eating dinner. chicken falls on to the floor because m is retarded and can't fork it.*
*m picks the piece of chicken up.*
m: shit, should i throw it out or wash it off?
flo: *laughing hysterically, trying to avoid spewing food everywhere.*
*intermittent laughing for 30 seconds*
m: should i wash it off or not? this is a GOOD piece of chicken, man!
flo: my mom would've just washed it off and ate it without hesitation.
m: yeah, my mom too.
flo: yeah, washing food off is a very asian thing. there wouldn't be 30 seconds of hesitation. Americans would just throw it out. dude, that moment of hesitation was your american side coming out.

-------------------------

Megan: Where did the salami go??
June: It just flew off your plate.
M: It flew into June's mouth.

quotable quotes

m: i think that's the whole point of the... blog.

-----------------------------------------------------

m: I don't understand why you wouldn't just abort that shit.

-----------------------------------------------------
m: Gong xi fat chai!! or however you say that shit in mandarin.

-------------------------------------------------------

Flo: holy crap your friend elizabeth egg foo young is taking over your wall

--------------------------------------------------------

Flo: your primaries are coming up.
can i persuade you to vote for hillary?

i dont usually do this, but this race is tighter than a virgin's ass

---------------------------------------------------------

M: yes, all strains of it

genital

Flo: oh god

Flo: i'm gonna vomit

M: lmao

HAHAHA

11:07 PM Flo: sick

why are you laughing?

you are disease-infested

yellow asian

M: cuz ur funny

Flo: the village bicycle

everyone's had a ride

June: He's from like Hawaii. I don't want an island man in the White House.

-------

Megan: I'm soooo sorry!! [strangle neck, strangle neck]

it's time for miso soup

at 3:15am

Megan: It's time for some miso soup.
M: Ooh, miso soup, what a great idea.
Megan: Nancy want some miso soup?
Nancy: I'm goin' straight to bed.
Megan: "DIE, bitches!!"

Vampires

M: It would fulfill all the desires I ever had for the rest of my life.
Julietta: Well, those would be the last desires you'd ever have for the rest of your life. A one night stand to die for.

-------

Megan: I can vomit on key.

-------

Speaking of flamers:

Julietta: He left a message saying, "Oh dahling, we must catch up and talk about how WOOONDERFUL you are!" You mean, we'll catch up and talk about how wonderful YOU are.

Flo: All right, I'm gonna go now. [walks towards the door, whirls around] Hey, do you guys wanna go get some beers? Or vodka? Come on!
M: No, Flo, it's 3:30 in the morning.
Flo: Awww, come on. [dives into the chip bag]

:::Repeat 5 times throughout the night, each time as if it were a new thought:::

-------

M: i hate this song
you should eat eggs
mmm protein
Flo: this is myh :LSAT fight song
dont diss it
i hate kanye
but wheeertter
protein?
what
plz epxlian
M: oh gosh
1:17 AM well
eggs has protein
Flo: egss HAVE protein
english major
FOB
M: ok.."wheeertter"
please explain
or "epxlian"

M: I like arms, you have to have nice arms.
Megan: You've got pretty high standards. So if you're an amputee with no arms, don't come a-knockin', cuz you can't even!