Gay black Tuesday headliners

Gay black teacher: So kids here usually get to choose between religion, and another class called "valores," which is really just religion in disguise.

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Gay black teacher: "He told me don't go there." What's wrong with this sentence? Well for some of us there's nuttin' wrong with it.

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Girl: Do students usually watch videos in class?
Gay black teacher: You remember back in the day, when the good kid would be sent off to get the tv on the roll-y cart? No tvs on roll-y carts.

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Gay black teacher: So I had to teach the kids about photosynthesis and about plant reproduction, and the kids are all like, "Pero profe, las flores se juntan??!" and I'm like no...the plants don't have sex.

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Gay black teacher: Oh and remember it's all British English. So when they ask you for a rubber they're not asking for a condom. The first time they asked me "Have you got a rubber?" I was like....they make 'em in your size?

pride parade.

Me (very seriously): I was reading in the Times that more kids are coming out now in middle school. Even in conservative areas - and lots of new chapters of GSA are being formed in these schools. But some parents protested 'cause they thought the schools were condoning homosexuality, so they tried to get the students to change the name of GSA to --

Bun: -- Glee Club?

Americans in Madriz

Embassy guy: Yeah, so it's curious when you experience these kinds of exchanges...I've always learned Latin-American Spanish so it's always been interesting to compare different words for things. For example just the other day, I said I was "aparcando mi carro," and people were wondering why I still had a horse-drawn carriage.

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Embassy lady: So yeah, you gotta be careful, because these pickpockets are slick here. I mean when I was in Rome, they were throwing ketchup out of trees! Just unbelievable, some things... so when ketchup falls on you, don't look up, just keep your belongings very close to you.

Teef, and Teeth: How to Lisp Properly

Javi: Yeah, my dad gets tired because of the morfina they give him.
Mabel: Morfina? Morcina?
Javi: Morfina.
Mabel: Morcina o morfina?
Javi: Si, morcilla. They inject morcilla up his ass.

(morcilla = traditional Spanish blood sausage)

All-powerful and omniscient Google is the Be-all and End-all

Allison: haha
u know when u type on this chat thingy
i can see 'mabel lee is typing"
Yo: yeah
Allison: i thought it said mabel is le typing
Yo: LOL
Allison: i was like how did GCHAT KNOW?!

The Adventures of Bub and Ugly

Yo: need to go buy toilet paper, pronto!
brb
Ugly: SNORT!
ok

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Ugly: omg
snorting rampage
it sounds like a pig farm
Yo: LMAO
hahaha
you guys are so mean
wait what was that other funny nickname
besides lambshank
Ugly: cancer
deadweight
Yo: nope
Ugly: michael flatley
Yo: HAHA YES!!

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Ugly: ahhhhhh!!!
pig farm!!!

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Ugly: ok
you need at least 2 cookies
1 is kinda weird
Yo: HAHA
but i do want a cookie
Ugly: suuuuuuuure, that's allllllll you want
Yo: haha
a big soft chocolate chip cookie!
Ugly: mehee hee
Yo: LOL
git yo' mind outta the gutter!
Ugly: i can't i'm in too deep!!

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Last Hurrahs

Allison: Why am I listening to your bra?

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Continuation of watching the Steve Harvey Show, without contacts

Mabel: Who´s that?
Allison: Uh, Regina...
Mabel: Oh, okay. So that one must be Steve Harvey.

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Allison: When I don´t have my glasses it´s like I´m seeing with a macro lens. You know, like one thing is in focus and the rest is blurry.

Mabel: Hmmm...yeah. For me, it´s like...when you put the cap on the camera lens.

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Susan: Yeah, Matt knows everybody. Somebody you know will know somebody who knows Matt.

Mabel: Matt really gets around.
Matt: Strong words coming from you, Mabel.
Mabel: Bwahaha, touche.

"Prelude to 'Mauled by an unattractive person pt. 2'"

Megan: [hand poised in mid-air, feeding me a dumpling across from a C-town soccer game]
Mabel: Bwahaa, I wonder what they think the dialogue is here.
Megan: Um, they probably don't have to wonder, I think they can hear everything we're saying.

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Ugly: it went fine
she was more or less what i expected
ann taylor asian
but even nerdier than i thought
she wore glasses
and not the hip kind
i was not attracted to her at all

Yo: but was she smartly dressed

Ugly: just totally not my type

Yo: yeah
ho well

Ugly: she was dressed ok
more like ann taylor loft
hehe

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Ugly: aww, ur leaving tomorrow
Yo: woo
ah know
:(

Ugly: booo

Yo: no more phone convos while stuck in traffic

Ugly: booo

Yo: ::goes to bawl in her room::

Ugly: lol
waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Yo: lol

Ugly: ....
waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Yo: WAAAAaaaAAAhhhAA

Ugly: waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Yo: heeheeheeee
::barf::

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Ugly: afterwards i walked her back to the hotel
and i paid for my $30 parking fee
but she paid for dinner
so that was nice
then i went home and perused cl again

Yo: hahahaha
i like how that's the perfect end to a night
"then, like every night, i perused CL.

Ugly: :)

Yo: lol a common conversation i hear at home, is mom on the phone telling dad to buy a bunch of bananas
then, when dad gets home, mom usually complains about the bananas
"what the heck, does he not know how to buy things? these bananas are awful and expensive"

Ugly: lol
lord

Monday Night...

Mabel: Yeah, Chetra's afraid of boobs.
Chetra: Bwahaha, remember her? I made out with her at that party.
Mabel: Wait, did you :::makes boob grabbing motions::
Chetra: Uh, yeah.
Mabel: Bwaha, wait did you get turned on??
Chetra: Well...I was really drunk. And she was... a human being.
Mabel: Bwahaha. She breathed.
Allison: She had arms and legs.
Chetra: She existed.

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Jewish chicks on J-date

Bub: What WAS that site called? Not e-harmony.....J-date, haha.
Ugly: Bwahahaha, I should sign up on J-date.
Bub: You could sign up on J-date. There are Asian Jews out there.
Ugly: Yeah, there are....well, there probably aren't.
Bub: I mean you could convert to Judaism.
Ugly: .....or NOT.

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Bub: Craigslist is okay, though. I mean it can be sketch at times.
Ugly: Craigslist is fine. If I were more serious, I'd sign up on one of those sites...but right now, I'm just testing out the temperature of the water, you know. And the temperature looks...BIG and BLACK.

Old Things

Yo: did i ever send you pics of my new haircut

Flo: nope

Yo: i have them on my phone

Flo: seeeeend

Yo: okay sending
i got my bangs fixed

Flo: ok i'm waiting

Yo: there's 2 pics coming
haha

Flo: still waiting

Yo: they're traveling through cyberspace as we speak

Flo: ok i'm staring at my phone

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Yo: this couple above me in hewitt would have sex all the damn time
from 9 in the morning til like the early afternoon
they'd do it at least 3 times
and the girl would sound awful
she sounded like

Flo: hewitt is the worst place to have sex. the sound carries far

Yo: some strangled chicken

Flo: HAHAHAHAHA

Yo: seriously

Flo: did you find out who it was?

Yo: like a really high pitched "uuuuhhhhhhhh" like a baby whining or something
this asian girl who i wouldn't ever wanna imagine having sex

Flo: HAHAHA
was she our year?

Yo: i dunno
i didn't really know her
she lived upstairs

Flo: did you ever see the guy?

Yo: yeah i looked her up on facebook
he was like some hispanic dude

Flo: wait show me

Yo: i saw them both once
and pointed to them

Flo: lol
pointed to them

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Flo: wait, i went out with a hispanic guy. are you sure it wasn't me?
and i lived in hewitt

Yo: hahaha
you're not tubbish
i'm pretty sure it wasn't you
are you loud when you have sex?

Flo: LOL

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Flo: i make noises during appropriate times

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Flo: i get bored and then tired
and then i'm like "might as well sleep"
anyway,we should have a picnic
it should be part of our wknd ritual
pathmark picnic!
in prospect park!
look at that alliteration
you're not the only poet at 158 s portland ave

Stretchable Rubber Body Parts

Bub: He saw these when he was here, like just in a baggie without the toy label and all, and was like....::pick up, stare stare wtf::. I explained to him they were stretchable body parts, and he was just like "I don't wanna hear it....weirdos.."

Ugly: Bwahaha...well YOU'RE the one who's been leaving them all around. I had them put away at least.

Bub:[rofl] You had them put away and organized.

Ugly: In the spot for rubber body parts.

Focus, focus

Bub: [while stringing a guitar] Okay, so then, you wind this up so that the wire goes under for each round.

Ugly: [playing with plastic nose] Hmm, does this look like it's my nose? Or does it just look like a nose on a nose?

Bub: [struggling with strings] Like a nose on a nose.

Ugly: Oh, I know. I'll just cut out this middle part here so it'll fit. [gets scissors]

Bub: I can see that some serious work here is getting done.

I wanna go dancing

While watching a Bollywood version of the Thriller video

Bub: Haha, that's hilarious.

Mel: Do you wanna dance like that?

Bub: Yeah, that looks like it would be fun.

Ugly: You could do it in a basement.

Bub: But I can't do it alone, you guys need to dance too.

Mel: We'll just circle and clap.

At the Jazz Fest

Ugly: I wish they would play something I knew.

Bub: [as a beat starts] Well...maybe they will.

[raucous, poor quality jazz music is in full swing]

Bub: You mean....this ISN'T your favorite song?

Ugly: Bwahahaha...I usually like hearing my songs played one at a time....not all together like this. It's like all the musicians just happen to be onstage at the same time... "Ooh, you're here too. Ooh, I like what you're playing. What is it?"

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Bub: Doesn't the pianist look like Bette Porter?

Ugly: I guess I can see the resemblance.

Bette Porter look-alike: And now we have a surprise for you, ladies and gentlemen.

Bub: Ooh, she has a surprise.

Ugly: [sultrily] Ooh, I have a surprise for you...I'm going to show you mah boobies.

Killer Margaritas

Mel: They were banging on our door trying to come in, but good thing we locked the door. Then they left after a bit. We thought they were going to come rape and pillage us.

Ugly: What is the exact meaning of pillage?

Bub: Like, to steal and burn stuff.

Liz: To destroy everything.

Mel: [gets mango gruel in her nose from laughing]

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Ugly: [to Mel] I could see you as Garfield.

Cat and Mouse

Before cover of "Survivor"

Liz: So, just so you all know, I don't sing like Beyonce, but I'm gonna be attempting it anyway.
Mel: And I sing like the band member whose name no one knows.

After cover of "Survivor"

Mel: So I'm using a cheat sheet today because we had to lower it a half step, cuz Liz was saying how Beyonce was "tearin' her shit up..."

::while starting the next song::

Liz: ::sing sing, voice strangles:: bitch Beyonce....::sing sing::

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At the Chicago Art Institute photo exhibit

Mabel: Dude that looks like it got cut out from a magazine from some hair salon in Chinatown.

Ugly: Haha, yeah...I don't know how some of these got in here, other than they were famous...for something else.

But I am le tired..

Me: le boo
Allison: le ahhh

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Ugly: So we're thinking of having a barbecue on the lake front for labor day.
Me: Wait, you have a barbecue machine?